Confede-RAP-io Helvetica,
which translates as: Swiss Rap
Yo, I woke up in Swiss Alps to a cowbell ring,
And I watched a Ranz des vaches — man, that’s the thing!
Shepherds hopin’ for Moo juice from their bovine crew,
While the folksongs echo like Ricola** ads do.
Got my Alphorn on, it’s twelve feet long,
I’m just blowin’ that horn helvetically and strong.
It’s no improv jazz, no hip-hop beat,
Just a wooden mountain tube, harmonic and sweet.
Yodel-Doe E-I-, I’m Alpine fly,
My falsetto’s so sharp it could poke your eye.
There’s a prayer call at noon, but it’s not what you think,
It’s an ibex*** on the cliff with his spirit all in sync.
I got Classical vibes with a Toblerone twist:
EuroVision said to me, “Yo, you be Swiss?”
I said, “You got it, bro, I love to hike and rhyme,
And I chew my Röschti in 4/4 time.”
Cuttin’ vibes like a Swiss Army knife-type blade,
Multi-taskin’ music in a cow-return parade,
My beats are clean like a Zurich street,
But my rhymes got holes like Emmentaler cheese.
I ski slalom downhill with my mic in hand,
Droppin’ bars in a snowy wonderland.
While my DJ, Saint Bernard, with barrel-keg of bass/base,
Scratches vinyl with his kind but slobbery face.
We got cuckoo clocks that can drop the beat,
And they mix it up each hour with a birdie tweet.
(It’s absolutely cuckoo)
So, if you think Swiss music is tame and slow,
Come on up to the Alps — we got that flow.
From Geneva to Bern, we rhyme and roll,
With neutrality swag and a fondue bowl.
So, the next time you be hearin’ a yodel call,
Listen up while Swiss rap echoes off the wall.
R. Hacken
TERMS USED
Ranz des vaches = calling the cows into their proper “arrangement” - udderly musical!
Ricola = the Swiss herbal throat lozenges.
Ibex = the most spiritual of wild mountain goats.
Toblerone = Don’t tell me you haven’t punctured your palate with Toblerone!
EuroVision = Europe-wide song competition.
Röschti = “Roasted” potatoes (don’t call them “Hash Browns”).
Zurich Street = very clean… and sometimes even wholesome.
Emmentaler = Cheese (with fermentation-burp holes) from the Valley of the Emme River.
Saint Bernard = the booze-bearing Bernard with keg, not the Saint he’s named after.
Fondue = uses moitié-moitié (half-and-half) French-sounding cheeses (Gruyère and Vacherin Fribourgeois).
In a wild lack of coincidence, the origin of both cheeses is found in the Swiss canton of Fribourg.
Fribourg means “Free Castle,” but you’ll rarely find any Fondue that is “free.” Au contraire.
True Fondue doesn’t use Emmentaler (because the latter doesn’t melt right or taste right).
Fondue could go well with Röschti, if it weren’t so blankety-blank filling.
End of FonduePedia.