The Butler Did It

     (In a British voice if possible):

Sadness sweeps through Downton Abbey, 
The servants are throwing fits; 
In the library nobody’s happy 
(Even the "legacy search machine" is crabby), 
'Cuz the Butler is calling it quits. 

All the aristocrats are losing their swagger 
As the hard truth hits; 
No-one feels like puttin’ on the Ritz: 
They hold their hearts, fall back, and stagger 
As if they’ve been stabbed with a dagger, 
'Cuz the Butler is calling it quits.

The Lieutenant's Woman with a locket in her pocket 
Is depressed with misery where she sits: 
She’s decided to end it all, to go out like a rocket 
By sticking her finger in an open light socket, 
But the electrical system is on the fritz, 
'Cuz the Butler is calling it quits.

Forty-one years Julene has been serving in the mansion, 
Assembling reference kits, 
Directing the media blitz, 
Ascending without controversy to leadership glitz; 
Now she deserts us for some “well-earned” pension:
The Butler is calling it quits.

Julene is like Moses! The comparison’s rather stunning, 
Except for the “lost in the wilderness” bits; 
Yet now in the Promised Land, it seems funny... 
Now that it’s time for the milk and the honey, 
Now that she’s earning a boatload of money, 
Now when the staff is all smiling and sunny 
           (For the most part), 
Now when it’s gotten as good as it gets, 
The Butler is calling it quits.

 (Switch personas: Into a rural USA voice if possible):

The England Guy had real bad timin’; 
He forgot some words he coulda’ been rhymin’…
"Sadness sweeps through the lib-ary 
Umm, just like, umm, just like the change in air pressure when somebody spits, 
And ever’body’s sad, ‘cuz it’s the pits 
‘Cuz Julene is eatin' cold hominy grits."

He coulda’ said somethin’ like that, 
Or like this:
She rolled into our hearts, 
Oh, how it really smarts, 
That we must say “Adieu.”

I hear she’s gonna write a lib’ary history 
Until her fingers get all blistery, 
So maybe she’ll still keep herself in view.

Now before I give it a rest, 
Just lemme say, 
If it’s okay: 
Julene, it must be admitted 
You are the Butler that did it. 
We wish you the best. 

            by Dick Hacken
            August 22, 2012