The Totally Unauthorized 2014 HBLL Annual Report


Down deep, down low, where we all rarely go,
All year long dwelt the Phantom of the Library named “Joe.”
Through tubes and hoops he traveled in loops
And he still is there yet, with his girlfriend, Georgette,
Pushing the info we get through our vast Internet.
Though the phantoms have charms, and they mean us no harms,

Still, their humongous forearms set off fire alarms.


This year no flood from Hurricane Walt poured into our vault,
Nor was there an earthquake assault from the Wasatch Fault.
Many books sat in compact storage like so many split peas for porridge,

And students took courage to search and to forage.
Now here’s a partial list / of books you may have missed:
A biography by Freud’s mother, who claims Sigmund didn’t love her;
A book on marrying the perfect mate, by Henry VIII;
A manual on making a small fortune smaller by not investing a single dollar;
And a pamphlet on the accomplishments and progress of the 113th Congress.


Library Instruction, plain to see, was aided by Information Technology.
Human Resources increased our labor forces.
The Department of Periodicals gave us dailies and monthlies and chronicles.
Science and Religion came together, with important collections to gather:
They added the Quarterly for Nuts and Bolts,
The SmartCar Guide to Shocks and Jolts,

The Encyclopedia of Catapults, the Journal of Irreproducible Results,
The Quaker Yearbook of Seismology, the Handbook of Agnostic Theology,

A database of Greek Genealogy using Olympian Methodology,
A thesis on Feline Ornithology and a laminated Guide to Rain Forest Ecology.
Also, some maps of Venetian Verandas, biographies of department store Santas,
An Underwater Atlas of Atlantis, and a Catechism for the Praying Mantis.


The BYU HBLL LAO with its AULs compared its WIG to ACRL’s,
Arranging in AC for the LCC and FAC to find favor in the ASB.
Many a committee got down to the nitty-gritty:
The RCC asked LCF and WWG to consider whether CMDC

Could interface PDQ with MC3 to leverage OCLC and YBP.


All year 2014, the grand staircase went in between,
Betwixt the floors, I mean, as a do-it-yourself climbing machine.

For those arriving on Level Three, 9 out of ten landscape artists agree,
The view to the north, to a high degree, remained something beautiful to see.
I guarantee you I’m not jesting when I say that the sight was arresting,
Since two security guards were nesting right there if you needed contesting.

The atrium was glassy, the Learning Commons was classy,
Repair folks saved many a book’s chassis, and ILL sent titles off to Tallahassee.


This was the Place… for viola and harp, for music bearing a flat or a sharp,
For musical scores to display each part for the budding Amadeus Mozart.
This was the Place… for the Asian book supply from Miyazaki to Sendai
Teaching the proper battle cry to the budding Samurai.
This was the Place… to walk each aisle, searching for books so Juvenile
That even us older kids could spend a while admiring their artistic style.
This was the Place… where cinema dwells, films that hold us under their spells
With a narrative voice whose tension tells of Alfred Hitchcock or Orson Welles.


May we recommend, as the year comes to an end,
That you come view the hue and amenities, the huge manatees,
The heart of inanities and vanities known as the Arts and Humanities?
Come see how foreign literature rages once it’s let out of its cages!
Come see Ancient Studies untrussed, throwing off millennia of dust!
Come hear Icelandic, Arabic and Welsh, with nary a consonant to squelch!
Come see Van Gogh go-go, from the side where his one good ear will show!
In short, open up your hearts to the Humanities and the Arts!

(You may have noticed that objectivity is not my proclivity.)


Keep on climbing to the Friends Room,
where ideas (like pansies) blossom and bloom;

Wander past the darkened media den, that produces a video now and then,
Wander past the inner media cloister that pulls a pearl from every oyster,
Through the gated partitions that lead to cataloging and acquisitions
Where each Maria and Gertrude and Mike never MetaData they didn’t like.

Perhaps you’ll meet Bob the Max, and hear him explain the facts,
Namely, that RDA is here to stay.
And then, last not but least, if you travel to the far southeast,
You can watch acquisitions contrive to help the budgets survive,
And if they keep them alive, behold the new books arrive.


Continuing upward, climbing high, you will reach the Utah sky.
This is where our phantoms chill while the fire alarms shriek and trill.
Look up next time, and perhaps you’ll see them,
just like gargoyles smilin’ and beamin’.
As I’ve described the First through Sixth dimension,
perhaps your area got too little attention:

If so, don’t go into tantrums, or I’ll report you to our phantoms. 
Thanks for being such a good sport; that’s the end of the library report.

 - Richard Hacken