A Christmas Visit From Russian Santa Nikolaus
by Richard Hacken
(To be spoken with Russian excent, plizz.)
Twas the week before the week before Christmas and all through St. Peter-burg
Not a capitalist was stirring, not even to do the jitterbug,
The former KGB was snuggled behind listening devices,
Hoping to forestall any Christmastime crisis.
When what to their wondering ears should come shootin'
But the voice of their comrades, saying: "Down with Vladimir Putin."
Meanwhile was taking off from Reindeer-Port Jolly Santa Nikolaus,
Determined to visit with presents your American house.
On Olga, On Volga, On Ivan-Scavinsky-Scavar
Past Iceland, Past Greenland, Amerika is so far!
When sleigh attains altitude of 30,000 feet, Santa gives admonition
To Reindeer: loosen your seatbelts, but keep tray tables in upright position;
And laying a finger aside of his ear, and giving a nod,
He bounces in tune to his video iPod.
When sleigh reaches airspace of Saskatchewan,
The air is all frozen from dusk until dawn,
But the weather gets better, hypothermia is averted
By the warmth emanating from Calgary, Alberta.
Then Santa turns left, as all socialists can do,
And flies for American border right through,
The jets, how they scramble; the missiles, how merry;
Except Nikolaus comes in peace, with presents to carry.
Descending to Utah, he sees a great glow
That comes from a basketball building below:
Not Delta Center, that's not the solutions:
The name on the side calls it "Energy Pollutions."
Leaving a gift for Kirilenko (Andrei)
Santa from Zion's Bank roof flies his sleigh.
Russian to visit us nice peoples, ho, ho,
Nikolaus makes it a post-Thanksgiving Point to visit Provo:
The moon on the crest of the Wilson football
Gives the luster of success to Bronco Mendenhall,
And a lovelier Beck pass can never be seen
Than the one Santa gives as a gift to Johnny Harline.
But as Santa flies over the Grandview Sixth Ward,
He is shaking his head, and these are his words:
"Here there is nothing more I can be giving,
Already is here so much love in the living."
But I heard him exclaim, as he left some advice
For all boys and girls, whether naughty or nice:
"Please to check on each other from time to time,
To be certain that each from you doing is fine;
And please, please to check your sushi now and then
To avoid radioactive element: Polonium 210."